NY RESOLUTIONS

- To be able to let go when I've had enough and known 

when to hold on when I know can win. 

- To be able to not settle for "WHAT IFs", 

and to know when to settle for it.

- To learn how-to-keep-my-head-up-high-when-things-crash-down better.

- To actually walk this talk rather than

 just talk it out like before.

 

- To start it happy and end it feeling triumphant.

2k9 has to be the year that when it end, I'll be truly happy for myself...

REALLY.

I do appreciate everyone for caring...

but I've been hurt before anyway, so it doesn't matter to me now. 

I already know that whatever life throws at me,

I'm gonna get through it and get stronger.

... So REALLY, it doesn't matter. To begin with.. it shouldn't.

The more sh_t, the more improvements ;)

"Thats how '09 has to go!"

Strike ONE

Stupid BOY trying to make me miserable.

Try a little harder, your getting there, fool.

Is it, really?

"Could never accept reality in which I was presented, 

living this crazy life for real could make a girl demented, 

been on my hands and knees praying to God for things to change, 

but every single day it seems like things will stay the same.

But change is for the worse 'cuz times I feel my lifes a curse 

but whose to blame me infortations multiple bodies felt like rape,

watching your whole life fade away playing this world like it's a game, 

when I'm with you I feel no pain, now tell me do you feel the same..

Can I hold you down 

how it all so ground 

theres not much I can do to keep you by my side, its true 

my love for you is all 

that can keep me strong 

but I'll hold that from you until you tell me what we have is true.."

I've never felt like this before.. So I don't know if it's bad or good.

I'm leaning more towards the good side, 

but I always find myself remembering that 

something so good can also be so bad.

Then again, in the same way that he doesn't care, I also don't care as well.

FINE & DANDY

I just had the best conversation of my life,

SERIOUSLY. I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.

Cheesy, I know. But IDGAF if it is or not.

IT WAS PROBABLY THE REALEST CONVERSATION OF MY LIFE.

NO JOKE. NO DAMN JOKE.

Happy?

Guys. 

Be happy for ME. Not for my decisions.

Because I AM happy!, It pretty much SUCKS that you guys

don't understand where I'm coming from now.

But fuck, what can I do? Nothing. 

BUT then, again, remember, I'm good with or without ya' homies.

THINK TWICE

"You think you know, but you really, you don't."

Getting played by your own game feels right, huh?

THINK TWICE.

Cause don't forget, I'm watching after myself.

I've always been watching after myself.

At least.. with these kinna thangs ;)

HAKUNA MATATA

"There comes a time in life when you realize 

who matters, who never did, and who always will. 

So don't worry about the people from your past, 

there's a reason they didn't make it to your future."

That means..

You shouldn't worry about me 

and I shouldn't worry about you.

Recently

Nowadays, I've been doing my own thing. It's good. I'm going with the flow. I like how school runs for me. Don't have that feeling anymore of "having" to go somewhere during my free time. It's a nice feeling. Anyway, you probably won't believe this.. but I actually bought Twilight. Like all the other dorks you see everywhere. Even though I watched the movie, I just felt the urged to still buy it you know? Surprisingly!, I fricken read like a hundred pages.. yesterday. The same day I bought it. I felt so..... accomplished for some reason. But at the same time, I didn't have anything else to do because I couldn't sleep. So I told myself that I'd read til the end of chapter 5. After that, it was goood timing because I ended up having a late night call. Today, it was so... idk. Lame. Lost my form for FSB :X sucks! But yeah, 2nd period was alright. 7th period was alright. 4th period was chill. I went the the library to "do my teenbiz". But no, hah. Ryan came. All the computers was full so he lied to the dude at the desk saying that we were partners for a project. So I was pretty much stuck with him for like an hour, it was chill though, just talked stories. Lunch came, I tagged along with my Jon. We talked like the usual. 6th period came, and it was so boring :X I fell asleep in class. For like..... the first time in that class. At least, it was the longest I ever slept in that class. But, I was still on it! My teacher woke me up and I told him that I had a headache. That was at the top of my mind, so I automactically said that. He woke me up because we had to take a test. It was pretty cool that he wasn't mad about me falling asleep. Anyways, did pretty good for the test. I was surprised that I already knew the answers for the questions even though I was asleep the whole period. After school was fun. Haha. I'm not going to say anything about it, though. At least on here. When my dad picked me up from school, there was traffic. It sucked. When I got home, I had to deal with some business -__- stupid stupid business. Anyway, from then on, I worked on my smoking pack, TeenBiz, and studied. I didn't get to continue reading Twilight :/ But I just might do it because like last night, I got nothing else to do. 

TAKE IT

BEFORE IT PASSES YOU BY

Funny

You guys wanna front like that.

Only chasin after me when you want something,

You wanna put up a front just to look good for yourself 

infront of your people, just for your benefit.

Putting up the same damn skit whenever I come around.

I'll give you guys an applause for that.

F_ck that. Whatever happened to "If your happy, I'm happy".

I never did take that part off our track.

But then again, I don't even take my own advice.

So I guess that means I gotta wake up and get back to giving 

what I could and not expecting anything in return.

Hahaha. Jeeeez, life is giving me lessons every single day,

See, you guysssssssssssss aren't fooling me. 

You, especially, wish you could say the same.

You, especially, can't fool a fool, babe.

Ill

What a day.

Woke up with a damn runny nose. Got ready, Jon picked me up and dropped me off. Photography was not so bad. Stuff was a bitch, like always; not to me though :) Anyway, I had detention for her. She caught me with gum, damn it. It was pretty fun though. Miki them made it fun. 3rd period came, "smmmmmoked" in class.  Lunch came, worked on my project. 5th period came, my runny nose got irritating, so I told my mom to pick me up. I knocked out when I got home. Woke up around 5ish, went to the store, bought some supplies. Strrrressed out for 2 hours because I was rushing on the World History project :/ When I was done with my part of work, I dropped it off at Cherline's house. When I got home, I took a shower. Topped of the day with some hot soup ;) 

Now I'm gonna head outttttta here.

15th Birthday

December 3rd, 2008: My 15th Birthday

I woke up early because I had to pee real bad. Haha. Then I went back to sleep. I didn't really felt like going to school, but whatever. Anyway, I got ready. Once I got out of the shower, my mom tells me, "lucky thing boy didn't bark" or "lucky thing it didn't get stolen" orrrrrrr something like that, I forgot. Then she hands me a big box. I was like "Oh my god. Who is this from?" I saw writing all over it, I honestly thought it was from one of my homebroos, but no. Once I read the note on the box, I was like "I thinkk I know whoo.." but anyway. Like most people, I opened it up, as  soon as I got the chance to. Or at least I tried. When I opened the first box, there was a small letter(I didn't read it until I saw the present because I wanted to know to know who really got it for me, after I found out what the present was), a note, and another box. The note said to keep going. So I did. I found another box inside of that box. It there was a clock, so obviously I knew I had to keep going. Then after that box, ANOTHER box with a another note. It said to keeep goinnnnnng. So I did. I finally got to the last box. What a surprise. When I moved the paper that said I made it to the gift, there was like a whooosh of cologne, ahaa, from then, I knew who it was. Idk why it smelled the way it smelled, but just did. So anyways, after I saw that gift. I went on that website that the note said to go on. All I have to say is.. Wow, and thank you so much. Hahahaa. Anyways, it was a really great gift and from then on, I knew today going to be a good day - that whole thing honestly made my morning. I thought my sister was going to get it for me, but noo, I got tricked. 

Anyway, I got to school, went into U101, chilled there with Kevin. Then Mary texted me saying that Cherline wanted to meet me in the back of U-Building. I got scared, haha. I didn't know if she was planning to cake me or something. So Kevin came with me, haha. When Kevin and me got there, Mary came, and we waited for Cherline for awhile. She came with

a cake :) Royce dropped her off and he gave me his favorite drink from Starbucks. I didn't get to see the cake because the bell rang and we were kinda in a rush. Anyway, 1st period. It was pretty much a cruise class: Photography. Thank God, my teacher forgot about Miki's and my detention, if she didn't then I would've stayed in for recess. Anyway, recess came, met up with Cherline, Mary, Marilyn, Mark, and Kevin. I found out what the cake said "Happy Birthday, Vagina". Haha. Pretty funny. Then, when lunch came, my Godfather, gave me a gift card from Starbucks (Kyla told me how much was in it) - THANKSS SO MUCH GUYYYYYYS!

School passed by, real fast. V Cullen picked me up, we were gonna to hang, but I couldn't. It was all good though. When I got home, my mama cooked me food, and they went to Pearlridge to pick up my surprise present from them. Haha, it was really cool of them. And when they came back, I enjoyed both of their presents. Plus, if it wasn't for them, my nails wouldn't have looked so handsome now ;) While I was doing my nails, my sister and I bonded. So gay. Haha j/k. It was pretty cool. 

Soo yeah, after that, I just 

chilled my day awayyyyy. It was nice just to relax, you know? Because I need to save up my energy for SATURDAYYYYYY! Haha. 

Anyway, I really had a great 15th birthday. I didn't expect this much. Thanks everyone, for AT LEAST putting effort in saying Happy Birthday to me, especially those who chose to give me more than I even asked for :) 

<3

A letter from Daddy

So, it's a day before my birthday.
Right after school, I got home and I found out that there was mail from my dad. I thought it was just a regular birthday card.. But no. It's a card, letter, $$$ :) So I read it, and there's just this one thing I always need to remember. Why? Because it's something that I should.

"If he loves you, he can wait for the right time. Don't let him be the problem because you are still young. If he can't wait, then it's not love - he only wants to take advantage of you. If he cares for you, he should respect everything that comes from you, everything. Okay, remember that. 

Please try to understand it now before things happen and it's too late.

Love, Dad."

He loves me :)