NY RESOLUTIONS

- To be able to let go when I've had enough and known 

when to hold on when I know can win. 

- To be able to not settle for "WHAT IFs", 

and to know when to settle for it.

- To learn how-to-keep-my-head-up-high-when-things-crash-down better.

- To actually walk this talk rather than

 just talk it out like before.

 

- To start it happy and end it feeling triumphant.

2k9 has to be the year that when it end, I'll be truly happy for myself...

REALLY.

I do appreciate everyone for caring...

but I've been hurt before anyway, so it doesn't matter to me now. 

I already know that whatever life throws at me,

I'm gonna get through it and get stronger.

... So REALLY, it doesn't matter. To begin with.. it shouldn't.

The more sh_t, the more improvements ;)

"Thats how '09 has to go!"

Strike ONE

Stupid BOY trying to make me miserable.

Try a little harder, your getting there, fool.

Is it, really?

"Could never accept reality in which I was presented, 

living this crazy life for real could make a girl demented, 

been on my hands and knees praying to God for things to change, 

but every single day it seems like things will stay the same.

But change is for the worse 'cuz times I feel my lifes a curse 

but whose to blame me infortations multiple bodies felt like rape,

watching your whole life fade away playing this world like it's a game, 

when I'm with you I feel no pain, now tell me do you feel the same..

Can I hold you down 

how it all so ground 

theres not much I can do to keep you by my side, its true 

my love for you is all 

that can keep me strong 

but I'll hold that from you until you tell me what we have is true.."

I've never felt like this before.. So I don't know if it's bad or good.

I'm leaning more towards the good side, 

but I always find myself remembering that 

something so good can also be so bad.

Then again, in the same way that he doesn't care, I also don't care as well.

FINE & DANDY

I just had the best conversation of my life,

SERIOUSLY. I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.

Cheesy, I know. But IDGAF if it is or not.

IT WAS PROBABLY THE REALEST CONVERSATION OF MY LIFE.

NO JOKE. NO DAMN JOKE.

Happy?

Guys. 

Be happy for ME. Not for my decisions.

Because I AM happy!, It pretty much SUCKS that you guys

don't understand where I'm coming from now.

But fuck, what can I do? Nothing. 

BUT then, again, remember, I'm good with or without ya' homies.

THINK TWICE

"You think you know, but you really, you don't."

Getting played by your own game feels right, huh?

THINK TWICE.

Cause don't forget, I'm watching after myself.

I've always been watching after myself.

At least.. with these kinna thangs ;)

HAKUNA MATATA

"There comes a time in life when you realize 

who matters, who never did, and who always will. 

So don't worry about the people from your past, 

there's a reason they didn't make it to your future."

That means..

You shouldn't worry about me 

and I shouldn't worry about you.

Recently

Nowadays, I've been doing my own thing. It's good. I'm going with the flow. I like how school runs for me. Don't have that feeling anymore of "having" to go somewhere during my free time. It's a nice feeling. Anyway, you probably won't believe this.. but I actually bought Twilight. Like all the other dorks you see everywhere. Even though I watched the movie, I just felt the urged to still buy it you know? Surprisingly!, I fricken read like a hundred pages.. yesterday. The same day I bought it. I felt so..... accomplished for some reason. But at the same time, I didn't have anything else to do because I couldn't sleep. So I told myself that I'd read til the end of chapter 5. After that, it was goood timing because I ended up having a late night call. Today, it was so... idk. Lame. Lost my form for FSB :X sucks! But yeah, 2nd period was alright. 7th period was alright. 4th period was chill. I went the the library to "do my teenbiz". But no, hah. Ryan came. All the computers was full so he lied to the dude at the desk saying that we were partners for a project. So I was pretty much stuck with him for like an hour, it was chill though, just talked stories. Lunch came, I tagged along with my Jon. We talked like the usual. 6th period came, and it was so boring :X I fell asleep in class. For like..... the first time in that class. At least, it was the longest I ever slept in that class. But, I was still on it! My teacher woke me up and I told him that I had a headache. That was at the top of my mind, so I automactically said that. He woke me up because we had to take a test. It was pretty cool that he wasn't mad about me falling asleep. Anyways, did pretty good for the test. I was surprised that I already knew the answers for the questions even though I was asleep the whole period. After school was fun. Haha. I'm not going to say anything about it, though. At least on here. When my dad picked me up from school, there was traffic. It sucked. When I got home, I had to deal with some business -__- stupid stupid business. Anyway, from then on, I worked on my smoking pack, TeenBiz, and studied. I didn't get to continue reading Twilight :/ But I just might do it because like last night, I got nothing else to do. 

TAKE IT

BEFORE IT PASSES YOU BY

Funny

You guys wanna front like that.

Only chasin after me when you want something,

You wanna put up a front just to look good for yourself 

infront of your people, just for your benefit.

Putting up the same damn skit whenever I come around.

I'll give you guys an applause for that.

F_ck that. Whatever happened to "If your happy, I'm happy".

I never did take that part off our track.

But then again, I don't even take my own advice.

So I guess that means I gotta wake up and get back to giving 

what I could and not expecting anything in return.

Hahaha. Jeeeez, life is giving me lessons every single day,

See, you guysssssssssssss aren't fooling me. 

You, especially, wish you could say the same.

You, especially, can't fool a fool, babe.

Ill

What a day.

Woke up with a damn runny nose. Got ready, Jon picked me up and dropped me off. Photography was not so bad. Stuff was a bitch, like always; not to me though :) Anyway, I had detention for her. She caught me with gum, damn it. It was pretty fun though. Miki them made it fun. 3rd period came, "smmmmmoked" in class.  Lunch came, worked on my project. 5th period came, my runny nose got irritating, so I told my mom to pick me up. I knocked out when I got home. Woke up around 5ish, went to the store, bought some supplies. Strrrressed out for 2 hours because I was rushing on the World History project :/ When I was done with my part of work, I dropped it off at Cherline's house. When I got home, I took a shower. Topped of the day with some hot soup ;) 

Now I'm gonna head outttttta here.

15th Birthday

December 3rd, 2008: My 15th Birthday

I woke up early because I had to pee real bad. Haha. Then I went back to sleep. I didn't really felt like going to school, but whatever. Anyway, I got ready. Once I got out of the shower, my mom tells me, "lucky thing boy didn't bark" or "lucky thing it didn't get stolen" orrrrrrr something like that, I forgot. Then she hands me a big box. I was like "Oh my god. Who is this from?" I saw writing all over it, I honestly thought it was from one of my homebroos, but no. Once I read the note on the box, I was like "I thinkk I know whoo.." but anyway. Like most people, I opened it up, as  soon as I got the chance to. Or at least I tried. When I opened the first box, there was a small letter(I didn't read it until I saw the present because I wanted to know to know who really got it for me, after I found out what the present was), a note, and another box. The note said to keep going. So I did. I found another box inside of that box. It there was a clock, so obviously I knew I had to keep going. Then after that box, ANOTHER box with a another note. It said to keeep goinnnnnng. So I did. I finally got to the last box. What a surprise. When I moved the paper that said I made it to the gift, there was like a whooosh of cologne, ahaa, from then, I knew who it was. Idk why it smelled the way it smelled, but just did. So anyways, after I saw that gift. I went on that website that the note said to go on. All I have to say is.. Wow, and thank you so much. Hahahaa. Anyways, it was a really great gift and from then on, I knew today going to be a good day - that whole thing honestly made my morning. I thought my sister was going to get it for me, but noo, I got tricked. 

Anyway, I got to school, went into U101, chilled there with Kevin. Then Mary texted me saying that Cherline wanted to meet me in the back of U-Building. I got scared, haha. I didn't know if she was planning to cake me or something. So Kevin came with me, haha. When Kevin and me got there, Mary came, and we waited for Cherline for awhile. She came with

a cake :) Royce dropped her off and he gave me his favorite drink from Starbucks. I didn't get to see the cake because the bell rang and we were kinda in a rush. Anyway, 1st period. It was pretty much a cruise class: Photography. Thank God, my teacher forgot about Miki's and my detention, if she didn't then I would've stayed in for recess. Anyway, recess came, met up with Cherline, Mary, Marilyn, Mark, and Kevin. I found out what the cake said "Happy Birthday, Vagina". Haha. Pretty funny. Then, when lunch came, my Godfather, gave me a gift card from Starbucks (Kyla told me how much was in it) - THANKSS SO MUCH GUYYYYYYS!

School passed by, real fast. V Cullen picked me up, we were gonna to hang, but I couldn't. It was all good though. When I got home, my mama cooked me food, and they went to Pearlridge to pick up my surprise present from them. Haha, it was really cool of them. And when they came back, I enjoyed both of their presents. Plus, if it wasn't for them, my nails wouldn't have looked so handsome now ;) While I was doing my nails, my sister and I bonded. So gay. Haha j/k. It was pretty cool. 

Soo yeah, after that, I just 

chilled my day awayyyyy. It was nice just to relax, you know? Because I need to save up my energy for SATURDAYYYYYY! Haha. 

Anyway, I really had a great 15th birthday. I didn't expect this much. Thanks everyone, for AT LEAST putting effort in saying Happy Birthday to me, especially those who chose to give me more than I even asked for :) 

<3

A letter from Daddy

So, it's a day before my birthday.
Right after school, I got home and I found out that there was mail from my dad. I thought it was just a regular birthday card.. But no. It's a card, letter, $$$ :) So I read it, and there's just this one thing I always need to remember. Why? Because it's something that I should.

"If he loves you, he can wait for the right time. Don't let him be the problem because you are still young. If he can't wait, then it's not love - he only wants to take advantage of you. If he cares for you, he should respect everything that comes from you, everything. Okay, remember that. 

Please try to understand it now before things happen and it's too late.

Love, Dad."

He loves me :)

Dreams

Day Four - 4 times in a row.  Damn, whattttsssss up with my mind.

Black Friday

Yesterday (11/27), around 1030ish, Jeffrey and Kevin picked Kyla and me up. Then Ricky. When we got to Waikele, it was packed. So we just decided to chill outside of Starbucks for awhile. We were bored, so we then decided to go up to the stores and walk around. There was like lines for every store, so it sucked. Jeffrey and Ricky went somewhere, and Kyla, Kevin, and me were really hungry, so we decided to go to McDonalds. It was breakfast already, soooooo we just ate there and chilled for awhile until Will, Sean, Nishalei, and Christian came. Then, chilled for a little bit more, and Will and Sean had to go, so Christian had to drop them off. Nishalei and Kevin tagged along too. So, I was left with Kyla. We met up with her friends and walked around, went into stores. Once we were tired, Chrisitan, Kevin and Nishalei came back, and then we decided to go rest at Christian's house for a few hours. We went and slept. Couldn't really sleep because someone was snoring, plus I was texting with Cherline. So she kept me up too. When it was 5, we headed to Ward just to see how things were going at in4mation. After the driveby, we went to Ala Moana. Walked around and headed to Fitted. Jeremy was already in line, so hooked us upp, haha. It took fricken 2 hours just for us to get into the store -__-, but the boys killed time in some ways. Anyway, I bought my very first hat. Haha, I thought it was black, but no, I just realized that it's brown. But it's okay :) After that, we headed to Exclusive, me and the girls bought stuff. Then went to back Ward fast kine. Then around 9ish, we headed to Taco Bell in Waipahu for breakfast, haha. For my first black-friday-outing, the day was pretty good. Since I was outttttttta my house for 12 hours :) 

Anywayyyyyyyyy, I'm pretty lazy to finished this. So I'll get back to this later.

The Past

People shouldn't indulge with that kinna thing.
It's done. It's over.

But then again, it's that "he-said-she-said-thing".
I mean like, do people think it really matters now?

What can I do?

Even IF THEN something does happen,
They'll probably wanna say "I warned you, I told you so",
and as much as I didn't want it to be another one...
I'll just say "Another lesson learned"


What happens from then? Life goes on.

Another Day

Woke up, dealt with school. It went by fast. At lunch, Will told me about plans tonight. I was kinda speechless because last night, I had a dream about going there with the same people at the same "time". So I was in a daze for awhile. My day was going good until 5th period. Jaz and me thought that he actually didn't come to school, but he did. Damn it. Haha. Anyway, I chilled with Jon after school til my mom picked me up. Picked up Kyla, then slept on the way home. I knew that there were plans tonight, but like always, wasn't too sure about what was really going down. Around 5, Christian them picked us up and we were suppose to watch the sunset at Tantalus, but no. Thanks to Will, ha. I was fine with it though. So Will got what he wanted at the 76 store and we headed towards Tantalus. The ride there was fun. When we got up, we just chilled there for awhile. My sister and I wanted to go to the park up there, but we all knew that if we went, we'd miss Sean's game. So we went to Damien. 

While the game, I called up my big bro because he texted me the random-est thing. We talked for awhile because he was telling me what was up. When he said the things he said, it shook me up. I was thinking "So this is what people were 'so called' trying to tell me". I don't really know what to do now, with all the things he told me. But anyway, after Sean's game, we ate at Blazin Steaks. And headed to my house. Everyone just chilled over here til 12. After that, cleaned up, did this, and now, I'm gonna crash.

Happy

Today, I woke up and got ready for school. School was the same as the past couple of days. I've realized that it's getting crazy though; lockdowns happen more often, fights at lunch daily, etc. It's weird. During midday, I really felt like I should go to NYB, since... yeah. So hopefully, I can. After school was great, I found out that I didn't afterschool til 4! :) My mom couldn't pick me up after school, so I rode with Royce and Cherline. They dropped me off home. At home, just chilled and relaxed. I got really irritated though because...

Anyway, around 530, Christian and Kevin picked my sister and me. Headed to CCD. Had mass. It went smoothly. After mass, chilled at the church for awhile then left for dinner @ Genkis. Tried something new. Something good. It was fun. 

When I got home, I was ready to relax. But I remember about the "$$". I got a little stressed out because someone didn't really kept their word. It's okay I guess. Since now, I'm going to get what I need from someone else. **THANK YOU ♥

Other than all the other things thats bothering me right now, I realized that I'm doing good. I've realized I'm getting useto the point where it shouldn't matter about who thinks about my decisions. Mind over matter. I'm real happy that there's just a few bunch of people that understand me. For me, thats what really counts. And IF it's just another phase of people fronting, I'll just say it's another lesson learned. With or without you, I'm fine. 

"Thats how it's suppose to be in the end; happy."

Beauty Sleep

I just realized 

that 

I'm going 

to

SLEEEEP GOOD NOW :)

Nothing interesting

I woke up, called up Christian to tell him to wake up. Didn't know if I could go out, so we stayed on the phone for awhile and talked stories. We were suppose to go out for brunch or whatever then chill somewhere like last week - But my mom changed her mind about me going out since I've gone out everyday, for the past 2 weekends. So yeah, I just stayed home til 4, then Christian picked me up for church. Church went by. After church, went to Dennys with Christian and Kevin. Then they dropped me off home. And now, I'm just reeeeeeelaxing. 

Even though I expected the day to be more interesting, today was a good day.

Little by little

I woke up today because Kyla unlocked my door to tell me that William them were going to pick us up to watch Twilight. Even though I didn't read the book, I was still down to watch it. So I got ready for it. When William, Sean, and Kevin came, we all just chilled in the living room for awhile until 1030. We dropped Sean to practice, met up with Christian at starbucks, ate at Pearlrigde, and headed towards Pearl Highlands. Twilight was okay, not too bad, not too good. After, we got some ice cream then split because Will had to go somewhere. We went to Christian's house and chilled. My mom started bug, so we headed home. We dropped off Kevin and went to my house. When we came home, we all just chilllled. Around 7 or 8, Christian left. After that, I took a shower. Then, talked to Sean, told our stories. And now, I'm planning for tomorrow.

Anyway, my day went by fast. It was great. Life's getting better little by little, everyday.